I knew I was destined to be a psychologist, not a magician when I pulled a habit out of a rat.
I come from a family of entertainers, my dad was a failed magician. I’ve also got two half-sisters
I’ve started using garlic in my magic act.
First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them all together with some Parmesan and olive oil.
Then… hey… pesto!
For my next magic trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.
Drum roll please…
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
He went down the road and turned into a field.
What do you call an owl that does magic?
Hoodini.
I showed a mime a magic trick.
He was speechless.
Son, remember these two magic words. They will open up the doors in your life:
Push and Pull.
How many magicians does it take to do magic?
Just one will do the trick.
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If there was an earthquake on another planet is it still an earthquake?
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If any guy tries to hurt you, tell him you have a gun, a shovel, and an alibi.
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Marguerite Annie Johnson was an American memoirist, popular poet, and civil rights activist. This is a joyful and positive quote that reminds us that no matter how deep the depression is around us (in others and ourselves), we can still be the light to lift the gloom.
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Eye-Spy Some Laughs: A Visionary Collection of Eye Jokes Sharpen your focus and prepare for a collection of eye-themed humour that’s anything but sightless. These playful riffs—from cornea puns to optical oddities—are sure to make you roll with laughter. Whether you’re in need of a quick giggle or a pun-filled distraction, these eye jokes bring the funny into focus. Keep looking—you’ll see what I mean!
My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub!
We’re going through a bit of a Rocky patch…
I once saw Roger Moore in the library, he could see that I was struggling to read my book and he came over and offered me his glasses.
I said no thank you Roger, they’re for your eyes only.
I’ve just joined a new band, we’re called ‘Cat’s Eyes’…
We just play middle of the road stuff.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly took my eye out.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes.
But that’s Heinz sight for you
I tried looking at the solar eclipse using a colander but I ended up straining my eyes…
Some people have difficulties sleeping…
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
Black Eyed peas can sing us a song but chick peas can only hummus one
What’s got 8 eyes and 8 legs?
8 pirates.
Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.
I’ve made a telescope from old fish finger boxes…
Now I get a birds eye view of everything.
Patient: “I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee.”Doctor:
“Try taking the spoon out.”
I regret rubbing baked beans in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight…
I love eye jokes.
The cornea the better.
As I handed my Dad his 80th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would have been enough.”
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur.
What do you call a banana with eyes?
A binini.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
I used to go out with a girl who’s left eye was missing.
She was a right looker…
And there’s more ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Step into a playful school day with our witty collection of education jokes! From laughter-filled wordplay about teachers, tests, and homework to punny punchlines inspired by every subject, these jokes are perfect for students, teachers, and parents alike. Whether you’re looking for a fun classroom ice-breaker or a light-hearted way to brighten lesson time, our education-themed humor is tailored to turn any school day into a comedy lesson worth repeating.
My teacher accused me of plagiarism.
His words, not mine.
I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…
I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.
Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.
She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…
I was terrible at spelling when I was at school.
Brilliant at jografy though.
My mate failed his aboriginal music exam.
I asked him, “Did you redo it?”
Son: Dad, I had a test at school today.
Dad: Oh yeah, what was it on?
Son: Paper.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at!
Oxygen and potassium went on a date…
It went OK
Sex education classes in school should just be listening to a baby crying for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I once tried to quickly make a square but I ended up with an octagon…
That’s what happens when you cut corners.
Just found out I’ve failed my online German exam.
Sacre bleu!
My mate’s just passed his NVQ in vegetarianism.
He’s quiche stage one.
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They’re always plotting something.
Teacher: How much is a gram?
Pupil: Uhmm, depends on what you need
For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
My geometry teacher has lost his parrot.
Polygon.
I would get so excited in French lessons that sometimes a little “oui” would come out.
It turns out my school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made three jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.
I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room.
To make it look more classy.
Mountains aren’t just funny.
They’re hill areas.
My maths teacher called me average.
How mean!
I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
A friend of mine has just graduated from ballet school with a 2:2.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
Why is it that so many Kings are named after fractions?
My teacher always said “violence is never the answer”.
I’m stuck on the last clue on a £1000 prize crossword. 26 across – behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.
It’s V _ _ L _ N _ E
Any ideas?
Dropping Latin phrases into conversations just to sound smart is definitely my modus operandi…
Today I learned Albert Einstein really existed.
I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pick up his Master’s degree.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my French” just after a swear word.
I’ll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
The school had a big problem with drugs… especially Class A
I failed my Indian cooking exam because I wrote down ‘butter’ when I meant ‘ghee’.
I should have clarified.
If I got 50 pence for every math exam I failed…
I’d have £7.35 now.
“Mum, why does everyone at school pick on me?”
“I’ve no idea, Someoneyourownsize.”
I’ve decided to become a maths teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.
I just want to make a difference.
My nickname at school was Scarface.
I was really good at knitting.
Robber: “Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!’
Cashier (puzzled) “Did you mean to say “or you’re history?”
Robber: “Don’t change the subject.”
I would like to congratulate my niece on passing her mouth organ music exam.
Well done our Monica.
A friend passed his degree in sound engineering.
He got a 1-2-1-2.
A pirate I know just got his exam results.
High Cs.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It just wasn’t 2B.
What sort of exams do witches do?
Spelling tests.
What exams do vampire teachers set?
Blood tests.
Disappointed to fail my psychic exam.
Didn’t see that coming.
I always give 100%.
Which is why I lost my job as an exam marker.
Didn’t do well in my football teamwork exam.
I didn’t pass.
Bit nervous about my maths exam.
Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.
Question from my exam, “What is plagiarism?”
So I copied my answer from the person beside me.
Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”
A history degree is useless.
There’s no future in it.
And there’s more ….
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When you drink alcohol, the alcohol is getting drunk too.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
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