Friday’s fortune of funnies …

I’m out Birdwatching with Sinead O’Connor today.

So far it’s been 7 owls and 15 Jays

I’ll never forget my gran’s final words to me.

“What are you doing with that hammer!?”

My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra.

Grandma took it pretty hard.

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy.

However, that’s not the case.

So what if I can’t spell Armagedon?

It’s not the end of the world.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn’t complain.

I come from a family of entertainers, my father was a failed magician.

I’ve also got two half-sisters.

Why would glass coffins be popular?

Remains to be seen.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with goats.

Meh.

If I got 50 pence for every math exam I failed…

I’d have £7.35 now.

Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken ?”

Thursday’s torrent of testiments ….

Bought a new shrub trimmer today! I proudly it showed my son, “Check this out!”

He replied, “That’s great, dad.”

I said…”It’s cutting hedge technology!”

I got stung by nettles earlier…

He charged me £200 for a signed ‘Bergerac’ DVD!!

I recently attended a concert in Hawaii to celebrate the career of the woman who sang “Shout!”.

I went to honour Lulu…

My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.

He didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

Just been to visit my mates new baby, they asked me if I wanted to wind him..

I thought that was a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg.

My girlfriend accused me of having OCD..

I soon put her in her place.

How deep would the ocean be without sponges?

I enjoyed my first time ever bobbing up and down in the sea yesterday…

It’s been my dream ever since I was a little buoy…

I bought a ‘self assembly’ bird table last week…

I put it in the garden and they haven’t even opened the box yet!

If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.

That way he could introduce himself, “I’m Harley, David’s son.”

What type of people never get angry?

Nomads.

Why don’t the Jedi have a navy?

Because sailing is a path to the dockside.

My wife asked me, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

Wednesday’s wonderland of wit ….

I think the heat is getting to me, I’m trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can’t remember any.

I used to have hundreds and thousands of them…

I just sold all my glove puppets.

A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…

Doctor: “How’s the patient doing, the one who swallowed all the 20p coins?”

Nurse: “No change yet.”

One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic toy horses stuck up his bottom.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

Why were the Dark Ages so dark?

Because there were so many knights.

If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”

Saying, “It’s ‘WHOM shall I shoot first?'” is not the best answer.

Old yachtsmen don’t die…

They just keel over.

I just ate a frozen apple.

Hardcore.

I went for a curry the other day & got some terrible news.

My naan had slipped into a korma…

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…

Still, it gave me time to reflect…

I’m struggling with these shoes I bought from East Asia..

They came with two pairs of laces but I can only Taiwan…

I took a photo of a mouse yesterday…

He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it…

BREAKING NEWS!

Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London.

The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can…

My cat always gets excited when I put the movie ‘Flashdance’ on…

What a feline!

I went into a shop to buy a stretcher.

They asked if I wanted to try it out…

I said “No, I don’t want to get carried away…”

After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My wife has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”

She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.

f(x)=2×1 walks into a bar.

The barman says,Sorry, we don’t cater for functions’.

My neighbour keeps posting joss sticks through my letterbox!

I’m incensed!

Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island…

Can he fix it? Corsican!

I’ve just watched an interesting factual TV programme about a man who tries to hit insects with a rolled up newspaper…

It was a fly-on-the-wall documentary.

A bloke knocked at my door and said, “Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?”.

I think he was a Je-hoover’s witness…

Thursday’s trolley of tripe ….

I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock.

We had a big falling out though, and now she wont give me the time of day…

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

To the lad who stole my weight loss pills…

You’ll have nothing to gain.

I was eating at a restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, ”Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, ”I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

How much does a lizard weigh?

Depends on the scales.

My Granddad has the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

You’re all invited to my recycling party on Saturday at 8pm.

Bring a bottle.

Breaking News

The Irish fencing team have withdrawn from the Olympics already!!

They’ve ran out of creosote

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive example is adequate.

I was buying my wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant; “Are these knickers satin?”

“No” she said, “They’re brand new…”

I’m doing an online DJ set for a Devon & Cornwall radio station playing 60’s and 70’s hits.

I can’t decide whether to play The Jam or Cream first though…

I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry…

Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked “so what’s your special talent?”

I said “I do bird impressions!”

They said “sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!”

I said “fair enough!!”… and flew out the window!

I met a guy the other day who was totally obsessed with monorails…

Talk about having a one-track mind…

I took my wife to the hall of mirrors at the funfair last night.

“Look at your funny shaped face and big bum!!” she laughed.

I’m glad she enjoyed it but we were still in the car at this point…

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Agad”

“Agad who?”

“Push pineapple shake the tree”

Remember the singer Yazz?

She now works as an elevator attendant.

She’s not very good at it…

Why do we have speed limits, and why do we have speed cameras?

The Locomotive Act 1865 (also known as Red Flag Act) required at least one person to precede on foot any self-propelled vehicle at a distance of not less than 60 yards, and that person had to at all times display a red flag and warn pedestrians and horse drawn carriages of their approach and assist as necessary. The act was repealed in 1896.

Everybody breaks the speed limit, right? So that’s okay because if I do and you do then it IS okay because we all do it sometimes. The 30 mph speed limit is a great exemplar of our collective justification for rule breaking – and in particular, our sense of indignation and sense of injustice when we get caught driving just a little over that limit. And if we were driving safely and, in our own opinion, we are a good driver (presumably based on the fact that we never get caught) this heightens our sense of unfairness.

On every road we think we know our own personal risk, and this view is further supported by our observation of the hazard signage displayed by the authorities. When a speed limit is set on an urban road, the majority of people that live on that road think that the speed limit is set too high. This is because it adversely impacts their risk to life and health (and the risk to their family also) to a far greater extent than that of the passing commuter. For example, if your child has to cross your road on a daily basis on their walk to school, then in your opinion the lower the speed limit the better. But for everybody else that drives on a road that is not their own, the speed limit is too low because they can’t see how or why the speed limit was set, and it’s not their children crossing the road.

Indeed, even on your own road it is permissible for you to break the speed limit because you know the road and the dangers, but it seems that other road users drive too fast on your road even when they are sticking to the limit.

When it comes to fixed speed cameras people drive within the limits. When that camera was put in place it was because there had been fatal accidents at that location. Conversely, just because there is no speed camera does not mean that there has not been any fatalities, it just means there hasn’t been a sufficient number of fatalities to invoke the installation of a camera. If motorists’ behaviour doesn’t change at such a location then a speed camera might ultimately arrive there. And the speed camera isn’t there to make people drive slower in order for them to avoid a fine, the camera is there to stop more people dying!

The argument about the acceptance of breaking speed limits lies between the two camps of “self” and “other”. As self, I think it’s okay to break the speed limit, and in others I think its wrong. This can be demonstrated by re-examining the locations of speed cameras. Between self and other there needs to be an arbiter or authority. One of the conditions that a local authority must meet to get a speed camera installed is that there has to have been at least two collisions resulting in people being killed or seriously injured in the preceding three years. Local residents want the road on which they live to be a safe place. From 1992 to 2016, speed cameras on UK roads reduced fatalities by between 58 to 68 per cent within 500 metres of the camera.

But instead of installing a speed camera to save lives, would it not be best to leave the open coffins of dead juvenile casualties by the road side, or perhaps show photographs of the victims, or display a poster listing the fatalities? In a civilised society we think not, instead we attempt to enforce the law. To display or portray the dead would be injudicious and insensitive. However, it would be possible to knock on the doors of the residents that live adjacent to those cameras and ask them if they know who died on their stretch of road, and unsurprisingly these residents will know precisely each of the fatalities in the last three years. But if you take that same resident back to the road where you live and ask them about the fatalities on your road, the chances are they will be ignorant to these facts, for that is your knowledge. Therefore, understandably, we all believe that we know better than others. Thus to enforce the law is to give you the level of safety you ultimately want on your own stretch of road on every road.

What is the purpose of any law? It is simply to induce people to act in the best way to protect and benefit not only themselves but the community around them. Laws set communal standards, ensure fairness and equity, arbitrate disputes, and protect our individual liberties and rights. Laws help people to act in the best way that they would act were there to be no law at all. Laws require people to act in a way that is the best for everybody and hopefully to the detriment of nobody. And herein lies a problem – can you enact a law in which everybody’s best interests are met on all occasions?

All laws should have the fewest words possible because each word has ambiguity, and ambiguity leads to interpretation, or wilful misinterpretation . Laws are there to encourage the maximum benefit, not the minimum compliance. Laws are in place not to ensure people do what they’ve got to do or even what they ought to do, laws are in place so people will do what they would choose to do for the maximum benefit of the community in which they live.

Surely when making a law we must go further than that just discussed? Laws are there to protect those members of society who cannot understand and follow laws; those members of our community that do not have the capacity, either mentally or physically, or through being too old or too young, to be cognisant and/or complicit. To these people the law must provide safety and security. So even if we feel that a law may not be applicable to us, hopefully we can appreciate it is applicable for those people we need to protect, the elderly (the generation above us) and the young (the generation below us), because even though by breaking a law there may be no damage to ourselves, there may be damage to those who have not got our ability of self-preservation without that law being in place.

It doesn’t change the fact that EVERYBODY breaks the law. A point or two on law. There is a legal term which comes from Latin – tu quoque. Quite simply, it is not an admissible defence in English law to say – “Well you did it too!”. Just because other people break the law knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or unintentionally, it does not give you the moral or legal right to break it also. And when it comes to intention there is another legal term that comes into play – malice aforethought – or to put more simply – did you plan to commit the crime or was it a misadventure? The legal difference between murder and manslaughter is that of intent.

The Red Flag Act was repealed 31 years after its introduction. This relaxation was to give people responsibility for their own actions and safety. One hundred and twenty five years later we have a complex set of road traffic rules – all of them enacted to do the same job as the man with the red flag. A total of 1,752 people were killed in reported road traffic accidents in the UK in 2019, and that year there were 25,945 seriously injured casualties on UK roads. In the UK the Penalty Point (PentiP) system recorded 2.4 million motoring offences in 2017. When we don’t see the coffins, we don’t see the rules.

And then in 2020 there was Covid and those “pointless” Covid rules. On the upside, lockdown meant fewer cars on the road so I guess there will be fewer road traffic accidents when the 2020 figures are released. The downside is one year on, we have had 125,000 UK Covid deaths and counting. Thank God we don’t see the coffins.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

Tuesday’s tirade of trifles …

My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”…

Good man, terrible geologist.

What’s a dyslexic wizard’s biggest problem?

They can’t spell.

My 4-year-old daughter just said to me:

“Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said on the internet? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest? It seems as though they require positive reinforcement from people on the internet they’ve never met.”

My girlfriend told me that she used to be Christian.

“That’s not a problem,” I told her.

“Thanks, I’m much happier being a Christine now,” she replied.

I just got asked the time by a British Gas repair man.

So I told him it was between 8am and 1pm

Just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals!!

Not on my watch!

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary – those that do, and those that don’t.

I went to a ‘music themed’ fancy dress party as a harp.

The host said “You’re not a harp, your costume is too small!”

I said “Are you calling me a lyre?”

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently…

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea.

Monday’s medley of mockeries

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend’s inhaler…

The neighbours think I’m a stud when they hear her panting heavily “Give it to me!”

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same.

Then you’ll have a match.

I’m 60 days clean now.

It’s been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

Trainee: I’ve helped prepare the curry for you

Chef: How exactly?

Trainee: I turned the butter into ghee

Chef: Thanks for clarifying

If today has taught me three things, it’s that I should write more stuff down and two other things.

Me and the girlfriend bought a waterbed to spice up our love life.

It doesn’t work though!

We’ve drifted further apart.

I bought a battery powered clock today.

When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.

I thought “This is a wind up!”

Forecast for tonight: Dark

Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.

They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap.

When I told my girlfriend I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.

Then I saw the grenade in her hand!

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday…

I’ll tell her it’s pronounced ‘spade’ when I give it to her later…

Yorkshire proofreaders…

Fighting the war on t’error…

Went to the shops in Yorkshire, I asked where I could find towels and was given directions to a bird sanctuary…

My wife is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu songs…

She makes me want to shout…

I’ve just opened an ‘Elvis Presley themed’ steak house.

It’s aimed at people who love meat tender…

I just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland!

Quid each!

Friday’s freight of festivities …

“I was running away from an erupting volcano and I tripped up on a rock!”

“Krakatoa?”

“No but I twisted my ankle…”

What’s the scariest word to hear from your surgeon?

“Ooops!”

The three things I’m grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

Which is heavier: a litre of water or a litre of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern!

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

That priest is in prison now.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me…

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

School days, I remember them well.

Footy at dinner, crafty fag round smokers corner, snogging the girls behind the bike shed…

Bloody miss that caretaker job.

I’ve started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are going through the roof!

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question

A good pun is its own reword.

A day for firm decisions!

Or is it?

I’m going on a camping holiday but I’m not happy with my travel insurance.

Apparently, if my tent blows away during the night I’ll no longer be covered…

Thursday’s wagon of witticisms

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep the comb I’ve had for nearly twenty years.

I just can’t part with it.

Always try to be modest.

And be damn proud of it!

I keep dreaming that I’m swimming along a river in Paris.

I think I’m going insane…

What do you call a banana with eyes?

A binini.

Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns?

I’m trying to think of any words that have a duel meaning.

I just read that Rod Stewart has five drinks of tea a day, all of varying sizes.

The first cup is the deepest…

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that ‘brown bread’ was better than ‘white bread’..

They were Hovis witnesses.

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

Is it just me, or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub!

We’re going though a bit of a Rocky patch…

The results of the ‘Three Musketeers Football League’ are in:

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-4

I’m really happy with my vegetable patch.

I haven’t wanted a vegetable in weeks…

Did you know that AA Milne, the creator of Winnie the Pooh, had a smaller brother called AAA Milne…

Tuesday’s trolley of travesties ….

When I was a lumberjack I chopped down exactly 3,625 trees.

I know this because every time I chopped one down I kept a log.

The band 10cc have booked a vacation touring around Scottish lakes, however they are not looking forward to it…

They dread loch holidays.

Took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – I had it, so I got him Carlsberg instead, he didn’t like that, so I had it. It was the same with Guinness and cider…

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his pram…

BREAKING NEWS !

The M25 is blocked after a lorry shed its load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes…

Police say the traffic is pretty stationery…

It only costs 1p to get into our local aquarium, so long as you’re camping or dressed as a dolphin.

To all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.

I’ve been trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament, but it’s not easy.

Good players are hard to find.

What type of people never get angry?

Doctors, because they have a lot of patients.

What do you call a dead musician?

A decomposer.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

What do we want?

Race car noises!!!

When do we want them?

Neeeooowwwww

I’ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!

£35,000 – £40,000

So I rang them and said, “The answer is -£5,000”

I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments.

I didn’t know she had a history of violins.

I’m gonna get a job cleaning mirrors.

It’s just something I could really see myself doing.

My car failed it’s emissions test today….

Fuming!

If you’ve never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering.

Last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

If you’re lonely, dim the lights and put on a horror movie.

After a while you won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.

Rehab Is for Quitters

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

I went Speed Dating once,

“Have you got any pets?”, one girl asked.

“Yeah, a goldfish”

“Any hobbies?”, she said

“Yes”, he loves swimming..”

My son asked me “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

I responded, “Yes we arson”.

I asked my wife to pick 6 stems of asparagus from the garden. She came back with 7.

The last one is just a spare I guess.

What do you call a short mother?

A minimum.