Advice of the Day: Pulling Dad’s Finger

Never pull your dad’s finger when he tells you to.

The sage

Children are naturally curious creatures, forever encouraged to explore the world around them. Unfortunately, there are certain lessons that can only be learned through bitter experience. The Wise Sage believes one of the earliest should be this: if your father smiles mischievously, extends one finger and says, “Go on… pull it,” politely decline and leave the room.

Many fathers insist this is a harmless family tradition passed down through generations. In reality, it is less a tradition and more an ambush disguised as audience participation. The unsuspecting child believes they are helping with an important experiment. What follows is a noise that physics continues to struggle to explain.

Never be distracted by reassurances such as, “Nothing will happen,” or, “Trust me.” These phrases should be treated with the same caution as “This won’t hurt a bit” and “I’ve fixed it with duct tape.” Experience shows that any adult struggling to suppress laughter is almost certainly about to become the source of your disappointment.

If you accidentally fall for the trick, resist the urge to retaliate immediately. Fathers are seasoned professionals in this field and have usually prepared several follow-up jokes in advance. Your best defence is a long, silent stare that communicates both regret and a dawning realisation that your childhood innocence has been permanently damaged.

Should your own children one day ask why Grandad keeps laughing every time someone mentions fingers, simply change the subject. Some family histories are best left undocumented.

Finally, remember that wisdom often arrives one embarrassing moment too late. The truly enlightened never pull the finger—they simply nod knowingly and back away slowly.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for shocked children, uncontrollable laughter, or family gatherings descending into a chorus of suspiciously timed sound effects.

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Quote of the Day: Uncertainty

“Do not let emotion persuade you to go where uncertainty has already warned you not to.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often observed that our strongest emotions are also our least patient advisers. Excitement can convince us that every opportunity is too good to miss, while anger whispers that immediate action will somehow put everything right. In those moments, emotion has a remarkable talent for drowning out the quieter voice of wisdom.

He has also noticed that uncertainty is not always an enemy. We are often encouraged to overcome it as quickly as possible, yet uncertainty can be a valuable companion. It invites us to pause, ask better questions and look more carefully before committing ourselves. Sometimes the feeling that “something isn’t quite right” deserves more respect than the louder emotions demanding instant action.

With gentle wisdom, The Sage reminds us that courage is not the absence of hesitation—it is knowing the difference between fear and insight. There are times to leap with confidence, but there are equally times to wait until emotion has settled and clarity has had a chance to speak. The wisest journeys begin not with impulse, but with understanding.

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Advice of the Day: Trusting Dogs

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

the sage

Dogs are many wonderful things. They are loyal, affectionate, endlessly forgiving and always delighted to see you. Unfortunately, they are also convinced that every meal within a twenty-foot radius has been prepared exclusively for them. The Wise Sage therefore advises against appointing one as guardian of your lunch.

Many people make the fatal mistake of saying, “Just watch this for a minute,” before leaving the room. The dog hears something entirely different: “Please ensure this food doesn’t become lonely while I’m gone.” By the time you return, all evidence has vanished except for a suspiciously clean plate and a dog wearing the unmistakable expression of someone who has absolutely no idea what happened.

Never be fooled by innocent eyes. Dogs have perfected the art of looking simultaneously guilty and adorable, a combination that has defeated humans for centuries. They will happily maintain eye contact while slowly moving towards your sandwich, convinced that if they approach at one centimetre per second, the theft somehow becomes invisible.

For maximum food security, remember the golden rule: if you wouldn’t hand it to the dog, don’t leave it within tongue’s reach. Kitchen worktops, coffee tables and picnic blankets are merely exciting obstacle courses. Even a sealed lunchbox is viewed not as a barrier, but as an intriguing puzzle waiting to be solved.

Some owners believe training can overcome this instinct. It cannot. A well-trained dog is simply one that waits until you’re looking the other way. The moment your attention drifts to answer the phone or put the kettle on, Operation Snack Hijack quietly begins.

If you genuinely need someone to guard your food, ask a tortoise. They may not be particularly alert, but at least they’ll still be there when you get back.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for missing sandwiches, mysteriously empty dinner plates, or discovering your dog has developed unexpectedly expensive tastes.

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Quote of the Day: Investing in Today

“The finest pension is a lifetime spent faithful to what mattered, not merely what paid.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often noticed that people spend much of their working lives preparing for retirement, carefully building a pension that promises security in the years ahead. There is wisdom in planning for the future, of course, but he gently wonders whether we sometimes become so focused on saving for tomorrow that we forget to invest in today.

He observes that the richest lives are rarely measured only in financial terms. A career may provide an income, but it also provides countless opportunities to show kindness, integrity and commitment. Those who remain faithful to their values, their loved ones and their purpose often discover that the greatest reward is not found on a bank statement, but in the memories they carry into later life.

With characteristic warmth, The Sage reminds us that retirement is not simply the end of work—it is the beginning of looking back. When that day comes, few people wish they had earned a little more if it meant caring a little less. The finest pension, he suggests, is the quiet satisfaction of knowing you gave your time to what truly mattered, rather than only to what happened to pay the most.

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This Day in History – 5th August 1723

Two Highwaymen, Two Confessions

On 5th August 1723, William Duce and James Butler were executed at Tyburn after being convicted of a series of violent highway robberies. Their final confessions, recorded by the Ordinary of Newgate, read almost like the memoirs of professional criminals, detailing robberies across London and the Home Counties and exposing the brutal world of eighteenth-century highwaymen.

William Duce was just twenty-four years old, born near Wolverhampton. He blamed the turning point in his life on a lengthy imprisonment for debt. During more than fifteen months in Newgate he fell in with hardened criminals, and upon his release quickly joined them in a succession of robberies. Speaking candidly before his execution, Duce listed offence after offence—from Chelsea Fields and St James’s Park to Tower Hill, Tottenham Court Road and Hampstead Road—naming only places, while deliberately refusing to identify several former accomplices because, he believed, they had abandoned crime and deserved the chance to reform.

Duce was particularly bitter towards John Dyer, the King’s evidence whose testimony helped secure the convictions. He described Dyer as the man who had “occasioned” his downfall, accusing him not only of betraying the gang but of keeping stolen money for himself. Yet despite this resentment, Duce’s final letter forgave Dyer completely, urging him to repent and abandon his criminal life before it ended in the same way.

James Butler’s story was even more extraordinary. Born in Soho, he had travelled the world as a sailor, serving aboard Royal Navy ships and merchant vessels, visiting Boston, New York, Martinique, Jamaica and France before drifting into London’s criminal underworld. His confession described an escalating catalogue of robberies alongside Duce, Dyer and Joseph Rice before joining an even more violent gang operating in Hampshire. There, armed robberies became increasingly savage, with innocent victims being shot simply to prevent identification. Butler admitted witnessing acts of shocking cruelty and confessed that one victim was shot twice after begging for mercy.

The pair had originally been convicted at the Old Bailey for robbing John Holmes near Chelsea on 27 April 1723, and for robbing coachman John Monk on the Hampstead Road a few days later. Butler pleaded guilty to both offences, while Duce denied involvement, unsuccessfully attempting to become a Crown witness after Dyer had already accepted that role. The evidence of victims, informers and investigators ultimately persuaded the jury, and both men were sentenced to death.

Unlike many condemned prisoners, neither man spent his final hours proclaiming complete innocence. Both acknowledged lives that had spiralled into organised crime, and Butler concluded his confession with the simple words: “I desire that Mercy of God which I refused to Man.” Their stories remain among the most revealing Ordinary’s Accounts of the eighteenth century, illustrating how debt, poverty, bad company and repeated opportunities for violence could transform ordinary young men into notorious highway robbers before ending at Tyburn.

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Quote of the Day: Kind Words

“Every kind word leaves its own stamp, long after the conversation has reached its end.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often reflected that words are rather like letters sent into the world. Once spoken, they begin a journey of their own, travelling far beyond the moment in which they were first uttered. Most conversations eventually fade into memory, but certain words have a remarkable habit of lingering. A sincere compliment, a thoughtful encouragement or an unexpected expression of gratitude can remain with someone for years.

He observes that kindness is rarely dramatic. It does not demand applause or recognition. Instead, it quietly leaves its mark, much like the stamp on an envelope that confirms a message has begun its journey. The conversation itself may finish within minutes, yet the feeling it creates can echo through countless days that follow.

The Sage therefore encourages us never to underestimate the lasting power of gentle words. We often imagine that meaningful change requires grand gestures, when in truth it is frequently a simple sentence, spoken with genuine kindness, that alters someone’s direction. Long after the voices have fallen silent, the imprint of compassion remains.

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This Day in History – 4th August 1749

The Smuggler Who Could Not Escape His Past

On 4th August 1749, Uriah Creed, better known to the authorities as the smuggler Morgan, was executed after being convicted of belonging to one of the most formidable smuggling gangs operating along the Kent coast. Unlike many Old Bailey executions involving murder or highway robbery, Creed’s death sentence arose from Britain’s determined campaign against the heavily armed smuggling organisations that openly challenged the Crown’s authority.

Creed was thirty-seven years old and had been born at Swineshead, Huntingdonshire. He began life honestly as an agricultural labourer before moving to London to work as an ostler at his brother’s inn, the Nag’s Head in Leather Lane. Unknown to him at first, the inn was a favourite meeting place for smugglers transporting untaxed tea and brandy into London. Although he initially resisted their offers of easy money, one simple errand changed everything. Asked to ride a newly purchased horse into Kent, he was persuaded to test the animal by carrying 200 pounds of smuggled tea from the coast. It was the beginning of a criminal career that would ultimately cost him his life.

Over the following years Creed drifted steadily deeper into the smuggling trade. He transported contraband to shops across London, later becoming a trusted “rider”, responsible for collecting valuable cargoes from the Kent coast. Although he claimed he rarely traded on his own account and often earned only a few shillings from each venture, he admitted repeatedly taking part in the movement of much larger consignments for others. Whenever he attempted to return to honest work, old associates drew him back into the lucrative but dangerous business.

His downfall came on 30th March 1747 at a notorious landing place known as The Two Sisters, named after two neighbouring churches on the Kent coast. Around sixty armed smugglers had assembled with more than fifty horses to unload enormous quantities of tea and other contraband from the cutter Old Molly. Before long, Customs officers and local militia arrived to intercept them.

What followed resembled a military skirmish rather than a revenue raid.

Witnesses described dozens of smugglers armed with carbines, blunderbusses and pistols, firing volley after volley at Customs officers, who returned fire from behind a marsh wall. More than 3,600 pounds of tea, together with brandy, cambric and other goods, were eventually seized after the smugglers abandoned their loads and fled. Several witnesses identified Creed among the armed men, loading horses, carrying tea and riding away with another smuggler during the exchange of gunfire.

Declared an outlaw after failing to surrender, Creed fled with his wife and children to Upminster in Essex, adopting the surname Morgan in the hope of disappearing into ordinary life. There he supported his growing family through honest manual labour, believing he had finally escaped his former life. His freedom, however, was short-lived.

One day he saw a large party of men approaching the house where he lived.

Realising immediately why they had come, he calmly admitted his identity to his astonished landlord before surrendering without resistance. According to the Ordinary’s Account, he simply declared:

“Here I am… I may look upon myself from this day as a dead man.”

At his trial on 5th July 1749, Creed denied ever having met the prosecution witnesses and claimed they would “swear anything for the lucre of money.” The jury disagreed. Multiple Customs officers and witnesses placed him among the armed smugglers during the gun battle, and he was found guilty and sentenced to death.

Yet the Ordinary paints a rather different picture of the man awaiting execution. Creed accepted the justice of his sentence, expressed genuine resignation, and hoped that God’s mercy would prove greater than the crimes of his past. His story illustrates how eighteenth-century smuggling had evolved far beyond petty tax evasion into organised, heavily armed criminal enterprises that the government regarded as a direct threat to public order.

For Uriah Creed, what had begun years earlier as a single ride carrying contraband tea ended not with riches, but on the gallows.

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Advice of the Day: Picking Things Up

If you stare at something you have dropped on the ground, eventually someone will pick it up for you.

the sage

Bending down is one of life’s most overrated activities. It requires effort, coordination and, depending on your age, a detailed plan for getting back up again. The Wise Sage recommends a far simpler approach: patience.

Should you accidentally drop your keys, wallet or shopping, do not react immediately. Instead, stand perfectly still and stare intently at the object. This creates the unmistakable impression that you are conducting an important scientific experiment rather than simply being too lazy to retrieve it yourself.

Persistence is essential. Avoid eye contact with passers-by. Continue gazing thoughtfully at the fallen object as though you’re waiting for it to evolve. Human curiosity is remarkably predictable. Before long, somebody will slow down, glance at the item, then at you, and finally decide that helping is easier than enduring the awkwardness.

For best results, occasionally sigh and quietly mutter, “Interesting…” This suggests there is far more going on than meets the eye. If anyone asks whether you’ve dropped something, simply reply, “We’re about to find out.”

Advanced users may wish to scatter several objects across the pavement. This transforms a simple inconvenience into what appears to be an elaborate public art installation. Eventually, strangers will begin tidying everything for you while discussing what they think it all means.

Naturally, this technique should not be attempted on busy roads, railway tracks or crocodile enclosures. Even The Sage recognises that some items are simply not worth recovering.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for confused pedestrians, abandoned shopping, or waiting three hours because everyone assumed you were “making some kind of statement.”

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Quote of the Day: New Beginnings

“A dairy farmer knows that every morning begins again. Life would be happier if we treated yesterday’s mistakes the same way.”
— The Sage

The Sage has always admired the quiet rhythm of a dairy farm. Before most people have stirred from their beds, another day has already begun. The cows neither celebrate yesterday’s successes nor dwell on yesterday’s disappointments—they simply greet the morning as another opportunity to do what needs to be done. There is something wonderfully reassuring about that steady cycle.

People, on the other hand, often carry yesterday with them like an overfilled suitcase. We replay awkward conversations, missed opportunities and poor decisions long after everyone else has forgotten them. Instead of allowing each sunrise to offer a fresh beginning, we convince ourselves that today’s possibilities must somehow answer for yesterday’s mistakes.

The Sage believes there is wisdom in borrowing a little of the dairy farmer’s outlook. Every dawn arrives without judgement, inviting us to begin again with a clearer mind and a lighter heart. We cannot rewrite yesterday, but we can choose not to let it write today. Sometimes the greatest act of self-kindness is simply accepting that every morning offers us another chance to become the person we hoped to be.

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Quote of the Day: The Pond

“Be frank enough to recognise when you’ve outgrown the pond, but wise enough not to laugh at the duck still learning to swim.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often observed that growth can be a curious thing. We become so focused on reaching the next stage of life that we sometimes forget what it felt like to stand where we once stood. Experience is a wonderful teacher, but only if it leaves us with greater understanding rather than greater arrogance.

There comes a time when we all outgrow certain places, habits or ways of thinking. Remaining in the same pond simply because it is familiar can prevent us from discovering the wider waters beyond. Yet moving on should never convince us that those who remain behind are somehow lesser. Every confident swimmer was once the duck making uncertain circles close to the shore.

The Sage believes that true wisdom is measured not by how far we have travelled, but by how gently we encourage those beginning the journey. A frank assessment of our own growth should always be accompanied by patience, compassion and the quiet understanding that everyone learns at their own pace.

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